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In my pre-children
era (when we believe anything is possible), I imagined that once
children did arrive I could wake up, have a leisurely thirty
minutes to myself before getting out of bed, shower where the
only noise heard is the water upon my back, and then sit down to
breakfast at a clean table. There is no noise - no television or
radio blearing in the background, no children's voices
complaining - just me with my thoughts. However the reality is
somewhat different. There are some mornings when I wake up and
dread seeing my beautiful children!
The dread I
sometimes wake up to in our household is called Children-phobia.
It is a term I use to describe a blackness that comes over me
from time to time when I just want to run away, to escape the
constant noise, demands and responsibilities that go with being
a mother.
This feeling seems
to creep up quietly and all of a sudden it’s there. You may
recognise some of the symptoms:
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You can’t
stand any noise.
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You feel that
your child is constantly clinging to you.
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The mess that
you could stand yesterday seems unbearable today.
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You just can’t
get on top of all the housework, e-mails and errands that
one does as a parent.
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You would just
like to sit down with a cuppa and think - uninterrupted!
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You just don’t
seem to have anytime to yourself.
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You would
trade jobs with your husband - actually you would change
jobs with anyone!
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You want to be
alone - that includes not having your partner/ husband
around.
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Being
exhausted, yet waking in the middle of the night with your
mind racing and unable to go back to sleep. Unfortunately
when you finally feel ready to sleep the children need to
get up and dressed and ready for school.
This overwhelming
feeling is normally brought on not by one major thing, but a
whole lot of small things that on their own are not significant,
yet one built upon another with no clear ending can cause an
intense emotional reaction.
Tasks or events
can be something as simple as waiting for the day your daughter
starts school or for the builder to start on your spare room or
for pay day to arrive so you can pay some bills, or you have a
pile of rubbish to throw out and it is days before it will be
collected. These problems seem to come all at once and are
uncontrollable in the sense that you have to wait for someone or
something else to happen first before the problem will go away.
This means that you can’t move on to the next step until you
have got rid of these problems and you can’t get rid of these
problems because you are waiting on someone else!
So how does
someone overcome the feeling of being children-phobic? The first
thing to do is acknowledge that you are feeling totally
overwhelmed. I suggest you write down all those little things
(and big ones) that you should be doing now - when I did this I
had 33 items that I had to get through, it’s no wonder I felt
overwhelmed! And they were just the ones that came to mind at
the time.
Once you have done
this choose to do the first five small jobs that day. I feel
that getting those five minute jobs out of the way are the good
ones to start with. Posting the letters, making a dentist
appointment, putting the button on the shirt and cleaning the
toilet. This means that you can quickly cross them off and feel
you are making progress. The first day and the first task are
the hardest ones to do, but once you start it gets easier (well,
at least most of the time).
Then each day
choose to do a minimum of two things each day. If you have a
couple of big jobs you may want to break those down into smaller
steps and try to do one or two steps each day. I find that once
I start this process, by the end of each week I feel a sense of
achievement and life starts to return to normal.
Regarding those
jobs where you are waiting on someone else, see if there is
anything you can do about it. Even if it’s just a phone call to
them to confirm that there isn’t anything you can do - remember
being in the dark is one of the most frustrating things to deal
with - at least you will know where you stand.
The best part of
this is that you will find you can cope with the children again
and no longer feel children-phobic. However, if you feel you
aren’t coping contact your doctor or Plunket nurse; post-natal
depression and depression need a helping hand. There is help out
there.
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